I’m pretty sure my body runs best on cheese and cheese flavored snacks

So, as the day of doom approaches (or if we’re being traditional, the wedding), I had to start a diet. Since meeting That Dude I’m Going to Marry I have steadily put on weight as try and match his impressive eating habits.
Turns out, when he was younger he had part of his gall bladder removed and now food essentially goes in one end and out the other. Whereas with me, it goes in one end and then attaches itself to my thighs. F you food.

Below is a photo of my boyfriend. Amazingly I have captured his speech with my camera!




Ok, you got me. It’s Gumby.

Anyway, since I have put on 15 kilos in the 4 years we’ve been together, I really need to do something about this before the wedding. And not just because I’m festively plump, but because I am really unhealthy. I tried to help carry a pretty light TV up the one lot of stairs to our house the other day and stopped breathing on the fifth step. So to fix this I did two things – took up Bikram yoga and went on a diet.

First up, Bikram yoga is effing extreme. It is sweating in a room of 40 degrees (105 if you’re in America) or higher, with 40 per cent humidity, holding poses that basically hurt for 90 mins. People are known to vomit, pass out, cry or literally CRAP THEIR PANTS. I did none of these things because I am a tank.



This video makes it seem like there was a lot of babes sweating sexily to porno music. There is a lot of babes but it turns out, no one sweats sexily.

Now the second part of my master plan – eat well. And I did. I ate mainly vegetables, some turkey and tuna, small amounts of dairy. This may not sound like much, but my typical diet is:
Breakfast – left over pizza from dominos, glass of coke
Lunch (which stretches over the entire work day for me) – packet of Twisties (big), several glasses of coke. Usually sushi or something for the main meal, but not the healthy kinds, the tempura fried, wrapped in egg kind. Or as I like to call it, the good kind. Oh, and at least one Mars Bar

Dinner: more coke, usually steak, some form of potato, a few token veges and a rich creamy sauce.

Sounds like heaven right? Well, after going to Bikram yoga five days a week for five weeks and sticking to my diet of veges, water and lean meat. I lost approximately -2 kilos. That’s right, I gained weight. And don’t give that muscle weighs more than fat crap because I measured myself and I was bigger.

OH AND I GOT A RASH. A big, allergy rash all over my neck and chest that I had to take pills for.
I am allergic to being healthy. My body wants coke, cheese, bread and bacon.

I’m off to combine those ingredients into a sandwich.